My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
You Might Also Like
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
This kid is going places
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!