Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
This is my favorite one of these!
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit