Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?