I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday