Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
need him
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.