EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads