Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school