My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
You Might Also Like
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?