Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?