Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
#dalle2
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
the last thing a carrot sees
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
You have been warned.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My dad is at it again
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.