*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)