And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC