Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea