Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice