Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
You Might Also Like
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: