I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels