“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You Might Also Like
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.