I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”