bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
and now we wait
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.