My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!