I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The biggest mystery of our time
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.