You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
any last words?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.