Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.