Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You Might Also Like
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex