[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
And bowling should be called pinball
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.