If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Everyone’s family
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When someone says you are so lazy
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!