Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”