[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“I’m helping” 😅
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.