MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Growing out my freckles.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.