me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
6. me as a lawyer
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…