I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
won’t smith
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.