I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
You Might Also Like
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Challenge accepted.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now