good let them take over I have had enough
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Feel. He’s so soft.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?