my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”