*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m Sold!
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*