My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Cat.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8