Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?