Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat