10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
In case you needed to hear it: