WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The police never think its as funny as you do.