you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle