HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Merica.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My love language is hissing.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”