Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.