kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.