Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.