want me to check your oil?
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?