Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
We have a winner.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
This why you should mind your business
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.