[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.