An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
#SuperBowl
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.