Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.